Dating

I wanted to do a separate entry for the dating. Grab yourself a snack and a drink, this will probably be a long one...

I am single. I am 31. I haven't dated anyone seriously in over 5 years. Scratch that - I haven't dated at all in 5 years. And it hasn't bothered me at all. I am very happy doing my own thing. If you can't be happy alone, adding a guy to the mix sure isn't going to help. Other people have their own opinions and I have heard several times that I NEED to have a boyfriend, husband, or whatever and that there is something 'wrong' with me since I don't.

Anyway, so I decided to sign up for eHarmony in the beginning of May. For those of you lucky enough to be in a relationship or not dating, I will go through the eHarmony (eH) process. To set up your profile, it takes about 3-4 hours of answering questions non-stop. These questions give the site a look into your personality and they put your personality profile together. You also let them know how things rate as far as what you are looking for in a match. These are what the site uses to find you matches. Once your profile is set up, there are a few additional questions that you can answer - lats book your read, something only your best friend knows about you, and other things like that. Once you are ready to get matches, the site limits you to 7 matches everyday and when you have a match 'delivered' it is sent to the guy, too. At this point, each person can decided whether to start chatting, put the match on hold or close the match. When either person closes the match, that is it for that match.

To start chatting, either person can decide to start chatting. The first step is sending and answering multiple choice questions. You have a list of questions and you choose 5 to send, the other person answers and sends 5 back that you answer. The next step is sending a list of 'must haves and can't stands.' Again, they give you a list of each and you pick the top 10 of each. After that there are open ended questions and you can pick 3 from the list or come up with your own. Once these are answered, then you start open communication through the website until you feel comfortable giving out an email address or phone number.

OK, so things started out really slow. I got matches for a few days, but the guys were always closing the match before giving me a chance. Or they were total losers that I didn't want to contact. I got a few guys that sent questions or answered questions that I sent, but they started almost immediately with wanting to meet and I wasn't comfortable with that so they got closed after being too persistent.

So, in mid-May, I started chatting with a guy who I thought was decent enough. He seemed nice and interested in getting to know me. We started sending emails back and forth and that lasted about 2 weeks and I finally asked if he would like to call me. I gave him my number while I was at work one day and he called me 3 times before 5PM. I thought that he was just excited to talk to me, but I should have read the warning signs - DESPARATE!!! I talked to him twice that night. He told me that he had torn some ligaments in his ankle and had a similar injury a couple of years back. I made the mistake of saying that with ankles and injuries, once you hurt one once, it is more likely to have more injuries on it. He jumped down my throat telling me that they were 2 separate freak accidents and he DOES NOT HAVE WEAK ANKLES. Umm, whatever - missing a step on a step ladder and falling down a couple stairs are pretty much the same 'accident' to me. He then went on to tell me about how his doctor told him to never step foot in the doctor's office again. Then, he told me about how upset he was and that all of the 11 people that he has talked to already about it agreed that he had every right to be mad. And he made a point of telling me that he talked to all 11 of these people at different times so they were all 'independent' sources. He then started another story about the first girl that he met from eH. He said that he has only had first phone calls and that no one would ever call him again and he just didn't understand because he is such a gentleman. He was raised to be a gentleman, etc, and here is how the first date went with the other girl from the site. (He also made a point of telling me that he is so much of a gentleman that he fully expects to pay for the first couple of dates. I am thinking so after the first 2, I am on my own? Good to know.) He met her at a bar and knew exactly who she was even though she didn't post a picture on the site. (I never fully understood what he meant from that.) So they proceed to sit together for 2 hours and he was only able to talk for about 5 minutes because she talked incessantly. She had a mixed drink when he showed up and he knew that he was only going to have water because he was going to the gym afterwards. She proceeds to have 2 more drinks (how she drank them, I have no idea since she talked the entire time) and when the bill came, the bartender put it in front of this guy. He waited expecting her to pick it up since he had nothing. When she didn't, he paid and then walked her to her car expecting her to offer him money. At this point, I wanted to ask why he would expect that since she didn't pay inside, but I didn't want him to yell at me again. Then, he says that he asked 3 different people in his office at 3 different times and they agreed that he shouldn't have paid. There was something else that he complained about, but I can't remember what it was. Oh, yeah - Cincinnati drivers and car insurance salespeople.

You would think that I learned something from that day. Well, after talking things through with a few friends, I thought that maybe he was having a bad day. I mean, you can't make that many bad impressions in one conversation on a good day, right? So I waited a couple of days and called him back. I had a little speech all prepared in case he started b*tching about something - it was all written out, too, so that I wouldn't lose my nerve about saying it. I think he asked me a couple of questions and then started in about going to a new ankle doctor and having to wait for 2+ hours and that the doctor wasn't very personable so I started making comments about how they fit him in and he should be happy that they didn't make him wait for 2 weeks for an appointment and how doctors aren't usually personable and he said that he calls his dentist by his first name because he went to high school with him. I said that dentists are different because of their hands in your mouth, etc and I call my dentists by their first names, too. He kept at it and when he finally took a break, I just calmly said, "You know, you are pretty negative." That set him off a bit. He said that no one has ever told him that he was negative. I said, "Really? Never?" He told me he didn't have anything else to talk about and that I wouldn't talk and that when he would finish a story, I would just sigh. I said, "and that wasn't a hint for you?" Then, he told me that I was opinionated. I said that I was, but how would he have gotten that impression when he wouldn't let me talk or finish answering a question before he would interrupt with his own story. Long story short, I told him to not ever call me back and hung up.

The next night, I was talking to an old friend that I used to go to clubs and bars with. It turns out that this guy had been a bouncer at a club that we frequented and that she dated him back then. When I replayed the phone call with her all she could say was, "I guess he hasn't worked out his anger management issues." Too funny of a coincidence!

OK, that was the first guy that I chatted with outside of the eH website. I have to go so that I can get to my sister's house to see the kids. I will try and post the next story this evening.
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Sunday, August 12, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by CountryQuilter
I had to laugh at your story. You don't HAVE TO have a man to be happy! I have been married to Richard for a little over six years and it has been great. But I was married once before and it was a disaster! We divorced and I had Andrew, he was 5 at the time. So here I was a single mother, we moved back home with my mom, I worked full-time and spent all of my extra time with Andrew. Everyone told me how much I needed a man. I hated it, it seemed like no one could ever carry on a conversation with me unless it turned in to finding me a man. I was in no hurry, I did finally date a little, but found most of them to be very childish. I had one child, I didn't need a man to take care of too. Then one day after work, I stopped by Pamida to pick up some shampoo and ran into Richard, I had not seen him in 13 yrs. We dated in high school for a while then he graduated and went into the military. He had just moved back around here, he had just got off work also and was buying toothpaste, so I knew then he had good hygiene :o) It all went from there. So the point of my story is...if you are meant to find someone, then you will find them when you least expect it. Like I tell my sister, she tries too hard. Everyone gives her a hard time too. Kristie
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Sunday, August 12, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by cowgirl4ever
I completely agree. No one needs a man to be happy. Though I suppose that there are a few out there that think the world is ending if they don't have a significant other. I know right where your at as well.. I'm 29 and not dating either.. just don't feel the need to have to answer to some one else and that is how the last couple of guys I dated were. Always asking where I was at and why... My thought was I have parents that I call and report into so that they know I'm ok.. I didn't need some guy to be that clingy I guess and have to know my every move... If we were living together or in a serious relationship then that I could understand to a point. Heather
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Sunday, August 12, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Trina
Awww Jill, don't leave us hanging here......I want to hear more!!!
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Sunday, August 12, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by MoneikQuilts
You don't need a man to make you happy! But I know the feeling of where you are at. I went through college and purposely didn't date as I didn't want to get married. I wanted a career first. I got my career and found that being a single teacher was miserable. I lived in a small town and didn't have anyone my age to do things with. All my friends lived hundreds of miles away and I was alone. My friends were 50+ teachers who I got a long with, but not the kind to go out with and hang out with. I ended up in a bad dating relationship and left it because he was seeing someone else when I wasn't around. I turned to online for friendship and it was a wonderful experience for me. You really have to keep an open mind and be aware of what is real and what is a lie! I met the love of my life about two months into it and we became friends and after a month or so began dating. Nine months after we started dating I moved closer to him, to a bigger town, and found a great new job. We have been together 2 1/2 years now and I wouldn't trade it for the world. He is an amazing guy and it was meant to be. We are looking at getting married and I know he will be a great father. There is a lot to be said for dating online, but keep in mind the distance and try to find someone who is close by. I limited mine to 200 miles or just South Dakota and we drove back and forth for the whole nine months, but it was worth it. I'm 27 and although I was happy being alone, now I have found someone who is supportive of my quilting as long as I go fishing once in a while! If you want some good sites let me know.
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Sunday, August 12, 2007 - EHarmony...
Posted by take2quilter
Hey, Jill. My experience with E Harmony was a disaster and they still keep trying to make it up to me. I went through the whole 9 yards and matched with a guy that was close by (10 miles). We emailed through the site for a while and then to our own emails and then started talking on the phone. After about 6 weeks we decided to have lunch on a Sunday afternoon. He wanted to go to the coast which is about 15 minutes away and admitted that he had never been there even though he has lived in Paso for 7 years! I thought that was weird. Then he talked and talked and talked the entire afternoon. At the end of the afternoon I asked him how long he had been single and he said 8 WEEKS! I said oh, your divorce was just final? He said no, he separated eight weeks ago! I said then you are still married. And he said no...he was divorced??? I wrote to E Harmony and told them that they needed to check people out a little more although that questionaire is very detailed. He kept trying to call and I just finally told him that if he called again I would scream so he stopped. But, he really did believe that he was now "divorced" and could not understand why I didn't want to continue to talk to him. So, E Harmony gave me a year free, not a refund but an additional year free and it has been a total nightmare. I finally told them I wanted to resign my membership in April and every week I get an email telling me I have tons of matches. I thought the problem was just my age. Dating has been a nightmare for me and I go for years without even trying to meet someone and then....oh, well, whoever said if you are meant to meet someone you will. I believe that and I believe that it is better to be alone by yourself than be alone with someone who doesn't meet your needs. Hang in there, Jill. You are cute and you are a quilter! What more could a man want?
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Sunday, August 12, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by SewAndSnip
Kristie and you are right you don't need a man in your life to be happy. Lots of women go through life just fine on their own. I've only heard of one woman I know of who is actually getting married after dating from EHarmony. He was the second man she went out withand has been with him for two years and now they are engaged. You're doing just fine on your own. When the right man comes along you'll know it. I always tell people I'm not getting married again, I'm divorced, unless a man falls out of the sky and lands on me. Cindy ( Peony)
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Monday, August 13, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by
Yikes..I don't think I'd have the patience to sit through the questionaire; muchless deal with these nuts. You're a great storyteller. I've never heard your voice but I'm imagining you telling the story and it's really funny!! You definitely don't need a man to make you happy. Just like I don't need kids to make me happy. =)Edited by Cre8tiveQuilter on Monday, August 13, 2007 at 12:24 PM